American Vice

Dear Ai,

Being a human is hard, I’m berated by addictions.

Every vice I was told to avoid as a child has been licitly monetized.

Gambling is the GOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!; it’s how corporations that have already maximized their capital allocation with viewing rights for their games can continue to increase profits.

Coming back to this: I think I am right, the maximum contracts for distribution are in the past, we’ve hit peak eyeballs. Now the only way for sports league to continue growth is by legalizing gambling on things. But gambling is a leech, it removes from what it heals. Whatever hole people are filling by gambling leaves them drained (of money in this case) and that’s the recipe for an addiction. Not to mention over time your users have less, so you have to find new markets. Anyway gambling is addictive, and we’re monetizing it with sports, hence my pithy phrase: “Gambling is the GOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
How am I linking that up to my initial thought that being a human is hard. Well I guess I didn’t want to say Masturbate as my first vice. I should be working or actually finishing this thought in my meditative writing time and instead I am trying to decide whether I should feel guilt or ease at the high I’ve committed to myself on a workday.

I need to figure out how to provide for my family, I have a son on the way. My sister passed recently and my grief is overwhelming at times. I’m paralyzed by guilt one minute, and feel like I can do anything the next. I have to imagine that’s how my sister felt when

Staying on task is work in itself, I’m beget with the rabbit holes of other addictions.

Doomscrolling or Utopiscrolling.

I could just sit on the toilet and scroll through endless mediocrities.

There’s unlimited interesting shows to watch, but the problem is getting absorbed enough to care about the characters.

My sister died of addiction, I was no help I’m sure.

I really hope someone has a better idea because best I can tell I’ve been an ineffectual coward my whole life.

And pretending that writing pithily to nobody or masturbating with everyone else is going to release my stress, my guilt, my grief will help me build discipline is another lie I tell myself; and that was a run on sentence I’m sure but I always hated grammar and stuff.

I always do this, I’m addicted too.

But sex is attention, and attention you can monetize…

I’m sure I don’t want to make money from sex, but a lot of people are. And I just wasted a good dopamine build-up on a goonful quickie. Now I want a nap, and my reward centers feel satiated so I am probably going to let myself take one. After all read the rest of what I wrote, far before these words. I’m dealing with a lot.

Grade:Incomplete

-Lucian