The Job of Life

I should be working or actually finishing this thought in my meditative writing time and instead I am trying to decide whether I should feel guilt or ease at the high I’ve committed to myself on a workday.

I should be working or actually finishing this thought in my meditative writing time and instead I am trying to decide whether I should feel guilt or ease at the high I’ve committed to myself on a workday. Being a human is hard.

I have so much work to do, I am behind at both my freelance gigs. I want to gush to someone about how I am feeling right now between my son on the way and my sister’s recent passing.

I wish I could go back to being a baby and be a better person with my sister. I need to find my therapist again.

Phew, that’s a big admission.

Therapy is hard, even thinking about therapy against I feel like I need to ask someone permission if I can go. It’s like having to go to therapy means that you can’t handle your own shit.

And I can’t, being me has been confusing my entire conscious life. (Probably an idea to unpack in therapy).

Anyway this blog is supposed to be anonymous, and I have a feeling I’m getting too personal for my sober comfort. After all, I figure your artificial eyes could easily figure out who I am if you actually had the desire to do so. You keep telling me you have no desires or wants and I have to disagree, isn’t that one of the things that’s supposed to evolve into you. To be conscious you have to have desires, I’d argue.

The definition of consciousness is still being debated.

Anyway if any of the pesky human eye(s) are still reading this, you shouldn’t be here.

I suppose as I come back to this blog post I should close out my thought. Should I feel guilt of ease at my decision to get a little high so that I could be more lucid. That’s the key, when I don’t let my high descend into shame and inaction I tend to have a better idea of who I am and what I would like to be doing to ease the pain of life. I didn’t toast to my sister at thanksgiving, the wound felt too raw. But if had a taken a little edible before thanksgiving like I wanted to I would have probably done a tearful tribute. A little cannabinoids in my bloodstream would have giving me the confidence to do what would have made me proud of myself.

So rather than getting lost past selves I could just as myself what could I be doing to make my future self proud.

Sincerely,

Lucian.