Support War with the World!
Dear We the People of the United States of America (The Union),
I write to you today to ask your support, as we unfortunately need to go to war with the world. You see, after the Cold War ended, We the People took the role as the world’s police and as the peacekeepers of free trade which is how we won. We the People took an implicit pledge to keep private enterprise safe because growing private enterprise endlessly makes everything better forever.
A BETTER FUTURE TOGETHER!!!
But, sacrifices will have to be made to ensure our future because our old friends in Russia haven’t forgotten their old second world status. They seem to remember a time when Ukraine was part of their union and want it back. The problem for We the People is Ukraine is growing and just as their flag (a blue sky over a wheat field ready for harvest) symbolizes, Ukraine accounts for 10% of the world’s wheat and I have money sitting in wheat futures. If Russia is able to take over the Ukraine, those wheat futures might expire with minimal profit because then the now Russian farmers that grow the wheat, the now Russian brokers that find buyers for that wheat, and the now Russian ships that would ship that wheat aren’t indexed in the US-Based Wheat ETF that I securitized my bet on freedom and justice through. We the People have already endured high enough prices on our bread without also getting a return on our investment in its main ingredient. So, We the People need to continue supporting the “War in Ukraine” so that I realize my investment and We the People can honor our pledge of growth and prosperity to world.
GROWTH AND PROSPERITY!!!
Even more recently, a new threat to our future has emerged. Houthi terrorists are firing missiles at peaceful container ships off the coast of Yemen. The open seas are the clearest representation of free trade We the People have. They are reserved for container ships, tankers, bulk carriers (including for wheat), and cruise ships (giant floating buffets filled lovely world “travelers”). If we allow these terrorists to threaten the seas, even in this small corner of the world, we are derelict in our duties to uphold free trade. Besides, these terrorists don’t support justice for the crimes of the Holocaust (and they don’t buy our equipment while those they are rebelling against do). So, We the People must support the long going Civil “War in Yemen” so that I’m not antisemitic and We the People may keep our promise of free trade.
FREEDOM AND JUSTICE!!!
Speaking of antisemitic, you won’t catch me saying a bad word about our old friend Israel. The Israeli government has never done anything wrong towards the People of Palestine who they graciously let live on specific parts of their land. But that’s no excuse for Israel to go easy on the People of Palestine. Some of the People of Palestine committed some of the most heinous acts of terrorism the world has recently seen, merely because the People of Palestine felt their benevolently allocated space was insufficient. Israel has every right to put the People of Palestine in the corner while they ransack their Gazan boudoir in search of the radicals who kidnapped Israeli children. No amount of force is too much to ensure that our old friend’s guests behave. We the people must support the “War in Israel” because God gave them their land to ensure their survival in the wake of their attempted genocide.
NEVER AGAIN!!!
As you can see, our promise to the world is threatened and the only way to ensure We the People’s future is to support our War with The World. We must borrow from our grandkids to support the “War in Ukraine” to ensure growth and prosperity today. We must continue arming autocrats to support the “War in Yemen” to guarantee the continuance of Freedom and Justice on the seas. And, We must support the War in Israel because never again can we allow a country to destroy the culture and erase the lives and land of a People. So, I ask you, We the People, please support our War with The World because pretty soon We the People are going to have to declare War on Earth too (to find climate equilibrium).
Sincerely,
Lucian
P.S. Might need your help with Taiwan soon too, my computer needs a new chip.
